It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon on lake just like many others they had experienced together on that long boat ride back to camp after Monday morning meetings. Today would be different however in so many ways although neither of them knew it at this point. John had decided that the scenic route would be the best way to return to camp this afternoon. They were caught up in conversation about the failing state of the organization they both had called home for many years. They loved this dearly, but were sad to see the continued decline of morale and student enrollment. As well, the seeming inability of others to see the reality of what was occurring frustrated both of them greatly possibly even angering them. As they were chatting and becoming more animated they kept on going and missed their turn around Bear Island. Sarah noticed this however did not wish to say anything due to enjoying the conversation so much and wanting it to continue. Besides, they would not be missed if they were gone a few extra minutes. Dinner on Monday night had been a scarce commodity for each of them this summer as conversations over the phone became more and more heated with each passing week. It seemed that the attempts each of them had been making at presenting reality as they saw were being met with dumbfounded responses as nobody wished to face what was actually occurring.
As they continued boating across the water, each of them enjoyed the beauty of the natural environment of which they were a part of and wondered if this would be the last summer to enjoy the vastness of the Northern Ontario wilderness. Today was exceptionally beautiful as the sun was shining and reflecting off the waves on the water. The trees blew in the breeze and loons sang out in chorus over the sound of the boat motor’s roar.
Sarah leaned forward in her seat resting her head her arms. She had been so afraid of coming to this place six years ago. Now she found it to be the place that she felt most at home in the world. There was no need to pretend that she was somebody she was not. She had been accepted for who she was here and been challenged to grow in this world. She liked herself more and more in this environment. Maybe because the distractions and pretenses were gone as everyone worked together to survive in this harsh land. Maybe because there was no pressure to be someone she was not, someone that dressed in frilly clothes and cared about wearing make-up. She could wear hiking boots or her Chacos in almost any environment and be perceived as casual, dressy or even attractive. She was also feeling more and more at home within her personality. She could be somewhat soft and continue to be a good leader. She was able to take in others’ personality and learned interpret them well to others. This was a gift as she did this well among both staff and students alike, being a bridge identifying others good intentions at learning to love well while fumbling with the execution of these intentions.
Sarah reminisced about the past an how she had been so afraid of many things and of John and now she felt so at home in his presence and not at all on edge and wondering his motives. She looked back on the days when she would freeze up when he was around unable to think at all for fear that he would judge her as an unfit staff member. With these thoughts, she sighed deeply and unknowingly began to tear up.
John turned his glance in her direction wondering what she was thinking. Despite the questioning in his mind, he struggled in his ability to share these thoughts aloud instead just placing his hand on her shoulder and squeezing it in an assuring way that only they would understand within the context of their relationship. With this, Sarah was startled back to the here and now. Turning her head from its forward facing position, she looked up at him and wondered what his eyes were saying behind his sunglasses. She understood his need to wear them, both for their function of blocking out the glare of the sun and as a shield to protect his heart. So often, she wished that he did not hide behind these lenses because it severely hindered her ability to read him. His eyes truly were the windows to his soul. Without words, Sarah was often able to read him through his eyes. Knowing that this would not be allowed to occur this afternoon, Sarah took a risk and asked him what he was thinking.
John was slow to respond to this line of questioning as he was so often disconnected from his own feelings. He lowered the motor’s rpm, took off his sunglasses and exhaled slowly as if there were something physically preventing him from speaking until doing so. He then continued, “I just looked over and saw a tear running down your face. I know that emotions run deep in you and that you are more likely to help others express their emotions than to share your own, although they affect you deeply. I was wondering what you were thinking and feeling and whether you would be willing to share these things with me. You see, I admire your ability to learn to understand me. I love so much, how you have come to understand who I really am, accept me for that person and challenge me to learn different ways of relating all without being as condescending as many other therapists and other can be. Or have been really. You don’t judge me and just love me. You understand me and I want to understand you too, if you’ll let me.”
With this expression of his hidden heart’s desire, Sarah began sobbing. She had recognized that she had the uncanny ability that others valued, especially in relation to John, but she had no idea that he valued this gift in her. Never in her life had she experienced somebody just “getting” her in this way. As her sobbing increased the compassion and love for her swelled in John’s heart. An emotion he had rarely allowed himself to feel let alone express. He turned toward her in his seat and opened he arms toward her with an impish grin spreading across his face. This expression is one that Sarah had grown to love knowing it was attached to his heart and one of the few ways he knew to express the emotions that so rarely entered his consciousness. At this, Sarah fell into him. His broad shoulders almost swallowing her and containing the emotion that so often she feared would destroy her.
Sarah had always felt safe in this place. In John’s arms, she found safety and security she did not find within herself and the traumatic past she had endured. John knew this about her and offered her the one thing he knew would calm her and allow her continue to be in this place and experience the overwhelming place that seemed to consume her at this point. Sarah became lost in his touch and scent; that woodsy, manly, musky scent that made her sense that he was strong and would not allow her to be overcome by these thoughts and feelings inside of her. John held on as tightly as possible in order to continue to allow her to feel his presence. It was as if they were joined together in that time, connected with and intense depth, heart, soul and mind.
After a few minutes of this Sarah began feeling a bit uneasy with this intense connection and wondered if she may not be expecting too much from this man after all she did not wish to become a burden to him as she enjoyed so much the times when he offered himself to her as the strong man that he was. He was not afraid of her emotions as so many had been in the past and had abandoned her. Sarah strived not be needy as a result of her past wishing not to push any others especially men away from her. How to exit this situation and show gratitude was the thought running through Sarah’s mind. She inhaled once more taking in his scent in order to try to remember this in the future to bring comfort to herself. As she exhaled, she mumbled something to the effect of, “Umm, thanks and I’m sorry to have fallen apart like that.” With that, Sarah pushed herself up from the position that she felt most safe in the world.
John looked a bit confused as if his gears had been turning for too long in his mind. He turned toward her, grinned from ear to ear, and asked, “Would you like to come with me? I’ve wanted to take you to this place for awhile now, but haven’t had the courage to ask because I wasn’t sure how you would respond.”
Sarah swallowed deeply while longing for more connection with him, but unsure how to express this desire. She responded to his question with a timid, “Sure.” Not knowing what would occur or where they were going, at least time would meet part of this need for intimate connection. Sarah agreed to go with him. As they drove across the water, John pointed out the bald eagle flying above them seeming to map out the path for them to take. It was massive and reinforced the desire each of them had to continue to be allowed to spend their summers in this unspoiled land. It didn’t matter the amount of pain from either the at-risk youth they worked among or the challenges they faced within the failing state of the organization of which they were a part, this was where each of them felt most at home and alive. The idea of never being allowed to come back to this sacred place was heart-wrenching and each of them knew without words that this would be the last summer here despite words to the contrary by other administrators within the organization that were 12 hours away in the safety of an office somewhere. Due to this intuitive knowledge, their grieving process had begun and each of them had started to do their best to hold onto all that was special in this place.
When they entered the little cove just beyond the island on the northeast side of Rabbit Island, John continued going until they entered the inlet that lead to the small island where the female student did their solo experiences. John parked the boat and helped Sarah out as he had done many times in the past. This time though he seemed to take more care and his touches lingered. Sarah wondered if what she had hoped for so long could possibly be happening now. If it was, she did not know how she would respond. She just feared that her emotions would not scare him away as she dreamt of the possibility of this occasion for some time. Never had she allowed herself to believe it could be anything more than a dream.
As they walked up the steep incline, Sarah could not help but look a John’s shapely rear and legs. My goodness she thought as she had in the past he was so strong. She wondered what it would be like to have him use this strength to show her the depths of his feelings for her. She had always imagined it could be the most life-altering thing she ever experienced and that he would be so powerful that she would give way to desires she did not know she had. In her fantasies, Sarah imagined that John’s strength would cause her pain, but in a good way, kind of like that of the most intense workout in your life. Where you feel exhausted and consumed in the end but know that it was so good and pleasurable that you cannot wait to consume more and more. Finally, they reached the top of the incline to a clearing. Shaded by birch and cedar trees was a secluded area covered with grass. Surely, this place was carved out of the wilderness just for them.
With their arrival, John looked at Sarah and began to share how he had longed for the day when he would be able to share the depths of his love for her. He understood the wounds she had endured and how she feared that no one could or would ever accept her. Sarah began sobbing again with this as she was beginning to understand what this time together was going to mean. The fear that often consumed her was leaving and all she felt was beautiful and loved.
John approached her and began to take off his jacket. He did lie this down gingerly which seemed odd for a man of his size and strength. Sarah recognized his desire to be careful and love began to swell within her. John then reached toward her hand and guided her to the blanket of his coat. He then lowered them to their knees. As they knelt there alone in the wilderness, in the secluded space carved out just for them, John began to express his desire to share with her this special time and express his love in a way that allowed her to feel special and not used as she had in the past. He then tipped his head slightly and lowered it to her lips. Sarah was unsure how to respond as she had not been kissed nor had she ever kissed a man. John was gentle knowing that fear would consume their time if he was not. As he pressed himself toward her, Sarah started be search for him. She began to open her mouth and respond. She did not know quite how to do this, but she wished to try. She licked his lips and began trying to force herself into his mouth. It was great to feel the warmth of his body in this way and to have him respond in a way that was not pressuring her but also allowed her to explore this new territory in front of her. Not only was his scent intoxicating, but also she was able to taste him for the first time. All of her senses were beginning to explode with this entirely new type of stimuli she was encountering. She reached up under his shirt and began to explore his chest. It was so warm and his nipples were so stiff with excitement. Sarah could not help but begin kneading his chest, belly, shoulder and back taking careful assessment of how he felt to her. Sarah twisted a nipple wondering how he might respond. With this he drew back inhaling sharply.
He then began to peel off the layers of clothing he wore. Sarah was now able to see those broad shoulders that she had become lost in so many times. She reached up to touch the naked skin that was a part of the body that she had so often found comfort within. She began kneading his chest and upper arms eventually moving up to his head and grabbing his hair as she began to nuzzle his neck. Sarah loved being this close with him especially as he began to respond physically to her curious touches. As she continued nuzzling, she began to lick the salty taste from him. He sharply grimaced as she began nibbling at his nipples.
With this, John began to become more urgent in his need. He reached toward Sarah and pulled off her fleece and then the shirt she was wearing. To his surprise, Sarah had on a very scandalous bra. One that was animal print and a total surprise to him as it lifted her ample cleavage toward his face. He buried himself in this while kneading with his hands. Sarah began to feel anxious desire to have his strong and calloused hands touching the soft skin of her bosom. She reached up lowering her bra straps indicating to him that he could go further if he desired. To which he responded by quickly unclasping her bra from behind.
Sarah’s breasts spilling forward, John began nuzzling her neck and grasping her taunt nipples. Sarah longed for him to consume her. Sarah reached down lifting herself toward his mouth. John responded by licking ravenously and sucking hard as Sarah insides began to prepare for what would happen in the next few minutes. She reached forward grasping at his waistband to find the length of him protruding forward. Sarah hoped for the day when she would see him and be able to touch him in ways that relieved her curiosity. Unbuttoning his jeans, was her invitation for him to begin to have his way with her. John reached forward grasping at her waste unbuttoning her jeans and lowering them to her knees. He began kneading her backside and lower back, causing Sarah to buck forward longing to be filled to her depths. John took his time though lying her down and slowly removing her shoes and pants. Surprised by matching pair of panties she wore and wondering to himself who this girl was that dressed in such a sexy manner underneath unassuming attire.
He could see her inner thighs beginning to glisten with moisture and ran his fingers upward toward the secret place of her. She longed for him to fill her however; he could not meet this need yet and continued focusing on her upper body and breasts. John continued kissing her and fondling her bosom. Sucking and biting hard at her nipples. He licked a trail toward her panties and began to remove them. He was taken aback by the tattoo her found of a butterfly. Who was the woman that he was only now discovering another side to?
He stood to remove his pants and briefs. Sarah was amazed with girth of his manhood and surprised to find that he was uncircumcised, as she had suspected in her thoughts of what this day might be like. Yes, she had had many thoughts of this day as she masturbated herself to sleep several times each week. She grasp at his length as he lowered himself to his knees and begged him to enter and begin ravaging her. He questioned this not fully understanding how someone with her history would long for this. Sarah explained that she had so controlled so much of her life that she longed to know that she could surrender to someone that she knew was safe and loved her. She longed to allow herself to trust someone else and lose control.
With this thought, John began kissing her again and squeezing her breasts, so hard Sarah knew they would carry bruises the next day. He forced his tongue into her mouth and kissed her long and deep cutting off her breathing. She was becoming lightheaded and her wetness grew within her. She began dribbling out of herself onto his coat. She bucked as her uterus lifted and vagina swelled. She needed him and longed for him to enter her. He continued refusing and moved his hands downward toward her warmth. He pressed hard on her clit. She bucked feverishly, longing to be filled by his manhood and lose control. He would not allow it and continued his deep exploration of her nether regions. He shoved two fingers and then three working his way up to his entire hand up to his wrist. Sarah was stretched and pulled in ways she had never dreamed possible as John bent down to nibble on her clit. Sarah continued to long for John’s manhood to fill her and to lose control together. He removed his hand and changed positions over top of her. Sarah closed her eyes in order to feel the experience and raised her legs toward her shoulders as John thrust his entire self into her with a sudden jolt.